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Hey, kids. Welcome back to the weird place, where we take a break from our usual MMA musings and ruminations to look at the oddest ends and bits in the realm of martial arts and combat sports.
Given that we’re so close to Turkey Day, we’ll have to take a look at the most murderous and evil fowl in creation. The turkey.
Deadly and delicious?
I’mma get this out the way early to set the table: turkey is delicious. You don’t like it? That’s a you problem. You ain’t gotta eat it. You probably got some other stuff on the table like ham or whatever.
Some folks forego turkey altogether. And you know what? May blessings rain upon them forever for that. Make a giant Tomahawk steak or something. The lovely folks over at The Takeout had a marvelous suggestion a few years ago: make a Porchetta. It’s pork! It’s rolled up in herbs and spices! How can you go wrong?
And if you’re that picky? Just eat the sides, man. Thanksgiving is a holiday of excess. It’s almost by design. You can feast on just the sides and eat like a king. Don’t like turkey? Cool. Have some candied yams. Maybe some collared greens and some mac and cheese. And that sweet spot where all three converge and their juices meld together? HO, BABY. That’s some primo action there, fam. You have to be the surliest sap in your municipal district if you still complain about turkey after that.
Also… maybe learn how to cook it better? Make a bed of chopped onion, carrot and celery. Pour a fair amount of white wine on that and some salt with some bay leaves. Put some butter with salt, garlic, pepper, rosemary and thyme under the skin. Then slather some mayo (yes, mayo) on the skin. Don’t be squeamish. Mayo is basically just oil and eggs. failing that, put some bacon grease or something on the turkey skin instead.
Why the take the scenic route with a long diatribe in what is ostensibly a weekly feature about weird fights? Because we need to cull the turkey population, and there is no grander stage for it than Thanksgiving. That little stunt every year where the president pardons a turkey? Revoke that. Kill and cook as many as you can. Because they’re evil — and as already noted, delicious — and don’t deserve your sympathy.
Don’t believe me? Watch this.
You’re telling me it’s legal for me to kill and cook one of these? With all the evil they perpetrate on the world, that’s a net plus. They’re smaller yet only slightly meaner and marginally less violent than a cassowary. But since we don’t have any holidays where we hunt and eat those things, we’ll settle for what we’ve got. If you’ve ever played Far Cry 3, you know exactly what that means.
This video starts with a turkey attacking a child. I’m not particularly fond of watching children suffer, so we’re not gonna start with that here. But then there’s this dude stopped in the middle of the road due to this turkey duo just sitting there. Like they were waiting for Lauryn Hill to show up at a gig for the customary five hours.
Then the tone changes as the turkey on the left runs on on the driver and basically says “Oh, you recording me? Wrong neighborhood, motherf–er.” This leads to the turkey to peck this dude’s tires.
Now, what offense the Goodyears may have caused, I’m not certain of. But it’s clear that these things are just ready to run up on you to straight up kill you, holiday or not. The beak technique here is pretty clean, though. Gotta give them that.
Then there’s this cat that was so traumatized they censored his face for this. Maybe he’s running from criminals or other more nefarious and dangerous entities, like Child Support. By the way, I fully understand and support dodging them. Them kids are ugly anyway. They don’t need my money.
I don’t know what started this one, but dude was chased down a hill while on a bicycle by a turkey. And this birdie was booking it.
Then our dude just… stops?
This is how you know some cats just grew up with no awareness of real danger. He’s not running up on you to sell you a boat, or like insurance for your pet marmot. This thing will commit an act of violence towards a human that the crew at NetherRealm would use it as an example for the next Mortal Kombat fatality. Then this dude gets worried he’s gonna get pecked, but he seems to also think he’s got some Doctor Doolittle thing going on. That thing doesn’t speak English, man.
Then there’s this. Ever get so mad you wanna fight a mail truck?
Here, watch these two duke it out.
I mean, whom among us, you know? But this further reinforces my point. The turkey is the lowest form of savage that we tolerate out of politeness. Well, them and Simon Cowell. We should probably absolutely revise that one, too.
Thankful for these Dambe knockouts, though…
Check out these highlights from the marvelous people over at Dambe Warriors. The attention this sport has gotten has helped raised the bar, because the action and production values have improved exponentially. This is from their most recent event, Circuit Fights #5
Shout out to my guy right here getting deaded extra hard, too.
Even got him packed up like a turkey…
As you may have been able to tell, I’ve been on a major Kushti kick lately. There’s something about how they’re so aggressive during stalemates. The joint manipulation, the forearm grinding, all of this is very intense stuff. Here we have another drubbing, and it’s very intriguing to see how these athletes perform compared to freestyle wrestling here in the US or Catch Wrestling.
Shotokan style
I confess, my dear children, that I have committed the grave sin of Karate bias. Mostly, it’s Kyokushin that gets all the VIP treatment here. This week we change things in the name of gratitude, and give you a nice little Shotokan tribute instead. This one’s courtesy of Total Combat Sports on YouTube. They’re old clips, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t some beautiful technique and dedication on display.
Well, what did you think we would end this with?
We’ll end this whole absurd charade with the brilliant physical comedy of one Rowan Atkinson. Yes, it’s another Bean clip.
That’s all for this week, kids. Eat well, drive safe. Please remember to be considerate of others, as this time of year is one of the riskiest for those suffering from thoughts of self-harm. Help is available. Be kind. And remember – you might think you can fight, but there are many guys like you all over the world.
Mightiest Daddy 
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